Wanna Know How Doomed the Country Is?

Here’s the Rundown of the Highest-Polling Democratic Candidates



U.S. Vice President Joe Biden listens as U.S. President Barack Obama speaks about the release of the Cancer Moonshot Report at the White House in Washington October 17, 2016.REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque – RTX2P85D

Norhan Zouak, Staff Writer

2020 is quickly approaching, and you know what that means. No, not season 4 of Stranger Things, but the US Presidential Election—not as entertaining, but equally as terrifying. So far, there have been three Democratic debates, each one being just a race to see who can speak in Spanish first. Read on to find out more about the highest-polling candidates, one of whom will go on to compete against Mike Pence for the presidency.

Problematic Uncle Joe: The only reason Joe Biden is polling the highest is because he’s Barack’s bestie. Regardless, he should be proud of himself and maybe give himself a pat on the back. Or a squeeze. Or possibly a massage. Although, someone needs to tell him it isn’t 1972: lead in paint is not a problem, the US is not at war with Vietnam, and the Me Too movement is very much a thing.

Pocahontas: Elizabeth Warren is about as white as they come. Just because she used that 1% Cherokee to be able to put Native American on her college application doesn’t mean she has to preach it her whole life. You’re not fooling anybody, Lizzie.

Larry David: Free healthcare for all. Free college tuition. Legalization of marijuana. Bernie Sanders basically wants to make the US into a Canada 2.0. For the first time, younger people are actually rooting for the 70 year-old white dude (sorry, not you Biden), who happens to be hated by other older white guys.

That Little Girl: What can be said about Kamala Harris that she hadn’t already used in a metaphor? When she isn’t smoking weed or putting people in jail for smoking weed, she can be found literally anywhere dancing awkwardly.

Pete Buttegieg: Seriously, how is he not leading in the polls? He’s a veteran and he’s gay; it’s a little something for both parties. Oh, and he’s probably the only sane person running. He’s so dedicated to his candidacy that he’s completely letting South Bend go downhill. I mean, isn’t that the enthusiasm we need in a president? Maybe the secret to polling higher is normal arm placement.

Rosario Dawson’s Boyfriend: Cory Booker is often called New Jersey’s “Golden Boy,” which is a big step up from their last golden boy, Pauly D from Jersey Shore (but that was just because of his fake tan). Booker would probably be polling higher if he actually blinked once in a while and didn’t scare the voters. His talking points tend to relate to “the hood” because, in case you missed the 500 times he mentioned it, he lives in the hood. He talks about “marijuana justice” so much you’d think he’s promoting a new Seth Rogan movie.

Call Me Señor(ita): Beto O’Rourke has some of the most eloquent and impactful quotes out of all the candidates. A personal favorite is “cómo estás biblioteca.” O’Rourke is like that optimistic eighth grade presidential candidate who promises longer recesses and ice cream in the vending machines: everyone loves him, but he has no chance of winning.