The Ten Ho-Ho-Horrible Gifts You Don’t Want to Receive This Christmas

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As the holidays near, people are beginning to craft their wishlists. From a brand new Lego set to an Apple Watch, there are plenty of quality gifts to give. These are NOT the gifts we’ll be talking about. Everyone has that relative who strays from the traditional lists and takes matters in his or her own hands. Here are the top ten gifts you definitely do not want to get during the holidays.  

Number One: Fertility Charm

Your Grandma Gertrude slipped it into your hand at the dinner table while saying, “I think it’s almost time.” You didn’t even know what a fertility charm was before tonight. You say, “Thanks grandma,” although you’re only fifteen. And a boy.

 

Number Two: An Unsealed Bag of Kraft’s Shredded Cheese (Mexican Blend)

I don’t know what part of this gift is more deadly, the open seal or the moldy queso that’s going to keep you next to the toilet seat all night. This is the gift your cheap uncle gets you after he finally finds what’s been stinking up his car for the past three months.

 

Number Three: Anything That’s a Knock-Off

You’ve wanted AirPods ever since they came out. You patiently waited over three years to get them, and your parents have finally seemed to obliged. After opening the box, you find the BRAND NEW Air Buddyz! Your mom tells you they’re just as good as the real thing, but you know that’s not true.

 

Number Four: The Milk Your Dad Said He’d Get Two Years Ago 

Your dad once told you he was going to the store to get milk. That was two years ago, and you haven’t heard from him since. You’ve moved on, and your family is doing well. Christmas day comes, and you receive a random package. It’s from your dad. He sent the milk carton he was supposed to get you. You don’t know how to feel. You’re still really mad that he left, but your Cheerios desperately need milk, so you call it even.

 

Number Five: $100 Ticket to Meet Charli D’Amelio

The girl with all the “hype.” The TikTok queen herself. Who wouldn’t want to meet her? Other than every single high schooler. Yeah, TikTok is fun and all, but who in their right mind would actually want to chill out with a TikToker? The only thing you’d probably do is the “renegade” dance or meet up with LilHuddy. And who wants to watch Charli and LilHuddy make eyes at each other when they dance to the song “No Idea” anyway? You then realize, that if you get to see Charli, that means you also get to meet her hotter sister Dixie. It’s a package deal.

 

Number Six: Tickets to See The Nutcracker with Your Loudmouthed Aunt Karen.

Besides the fact that your Aunt Karen does not respect the drip, she’s extremely annoying. She smells like moldy cheese and decides to get tickets for everyone to see The Nutcracker. THE NUTCRACKER? I’m sorry, but who in the world wants tickets to The Nutcracker for Christmas? Why not something like money or makeup? Honestly Aunt Karen, I’m not even surprised.

 

Number Seven: Fitness DVDs

Just because you need your mint chocolate chip ice cream every night, doesn’t permit your mother to make you feel worse than you already do. Working out is not your forte, so this horrible gift was a waste of money. And you don’t even have a DVD player…and do people even use Fitness DVDs? This isn’t the ’80s.

 

Number Eight: A Desk Lamp

Your aunt is pretty forgetful, and she gave you a desk lamp for Christmas…for the second year in a row. This present is terrible for two reasons. Your aunt got you the same gift two years in a row. And it’s a desk lamp. Does she think your parents forgot to pay the electricity bill? Thank you, Aunt Lisa, for saying, “Let there be light.”

 

Number Nine: A Goldfish

You’ve been begging your parents for years for a pet. Christmas morning, you pick up a damp lump of wrapping paper. You open the gift only for a dead goldfish to plop on the floor. RIP Chester (2019-2019).

 

Number Ten: A MAGA Hat from Your Ultraconservative Uncle Buck

He pulled up in his Chevrolet Colorado truck last night with his camouflage jacket and hunting boots. It took every atom in your body not to pick a fight with his pea-sized brain after he said “climate change is a hoax.” But the nice kid you are, you smiled and nodded along. The next morning, you’re all sitting around the tree on Christmas morning opening presents, and it’s time to open up Uncle Buck’s present. You prepare yourself for the worst. Maybe a hunting knife or deer antler. There it is at the bottom of the bag. No tissue paper or wrapping paper, just a hat. A bright red hat with white lettering. Make America Great Again. Maybe the hunting knife would’ve been better.