The VelociPastor Review: So Bad It’s Awesome


Exactly how a priest has the ability to transform into a dinosaur

Gavin Clingham, Staff Writer

Now, I’ll  before I start, yes, this film is real. Just like the show Tiger King, you can’t make this up. This film ends up falling into its own category. It’s not a masterpiece like Parasite or The Godfather, it’s not a hot piece of garbage like Birdemic or Cats (I’m sorry I still keep mentioning this film, I’ll try to make this my last time), and it doesn’t even fall under the same categories as The Room or Samurai Cop. With those last two movies, they’re good because they’re incredibly bad but this film is different. They definitely were completely self aware of the film they were making because you can tell that they don’t take themselves seriously at all. Which just makes it at least 100 times better.

The VelociPastor fighting against literal ninjas. (

So the film follows Father Jones (Greg Cohan) who leads a peaceful life as a priest. This peace is interrupted when his parents are killed in a car explosion. His mentor Father Stewart (Daniel Steere) convinces him to find the Lord in China where he instead gets cut by a dinosaur tooth. When he returns home, he begins to feel strange. As he recovers, he crosses paths with a hooker named Carol (Alyssa Kempinski) who is owned by the pimp known as Frankie Mermaid (Played by Fernando Pacheco De Castro who really needed more screen time). One night, when Carol is being attacked, Father Jones turns into a dinosaur and saves her. He learns of his new abilities that he decides to use for good with Carol’s help. He navigates his way through evil as a man of the claw (the actual tagline of the film). 

Father Jones going through an exorcism (

So this movie sounds dumb and it is. However, I found myself laughing so much. The director Brendan Steere knows exactly what he’s doing. Each scene, you know he never intended to make a good movie. My only possible complaint is that I wanted it to be more dumb (I’m not saying there was any moment in which the film took itself seriously because there is no such moment) because when it was dumb, it was hysterical. It doesn’t think it’s making some kind of allegory about conflicting religion or a satire on the way we tolerate beastly sons while allowing promising children to go in dark places, it knows it’s a film about a priest that turns into a dinosaur. 

The comedy for this film is great. Riding on the self-aware narrative, the film has incredibly comedic dialogue. It’s so supposed to be regular dialogue, but it’s so random and out of the blue that it’s hilarious. And it’s clear that it was put there with that intention. The dinosaur that Father Jones turns into is so hilarious because it looks like a practical Jurassic World dinosaur head that is sagging on the body of a dinosaur costume made to match the head. Every time this head appears on screen, I cry from laughing so hard. 

Another thing I wanted more of from this film was Frankie Mermaid. The actor who plays him does an incredible job but the character is just funny in general. Like I said, this movie excels from being over the top and random and this guy is completely over the top and random. He says that he stole candy from a baby and threw the baby in the river so it couldn’t snitch. There is already gonna be The VelociPastor 2 but I want a Frankie Mermaid spinoff at some point. 

Frankie Mermaid confessing his many bizarre and nuts sins (

Believe it or not, I was hyped to see this film. I saw a bunch of reviews on it and they were actually pretty positive so I was pretty excited. When I finally got the Vudu app just so I can watch it for free, I thought I was not getting the film I wanted. Then, I witnessed the pure gold of the climax of the film. I won’t spoil it, but it is one of the most over the top and hysterical climaxes I’ve ever seen. Who needs the Avengers: Endgame portal scene when you got the gold of The VelociPastor?

So, I actually liked this film. It’s as funny as its premise which is pretty hysterical already and it’s so dumb that it’s a lot of fun. I can’t say it enough but I’m already prepared for the sequel. For now, you can have a blast watching this film on either Amazon prime or Vudu. The best part is that it’s free on both of those.