The Great Pineapple Pizza Debate: Pro
Pineapple pizza Photo: Creative Commons
May 7, 2021
The sweet scent of the delectable yellow fruit slices, each one a delightful unexpected surprise, burns a pleasant melody into our nostrils. The aroma is irresistible as they sit on the cheesy bread, the crown jewels of the saucy kingdom they dominate. The box opens to reveal the nectar of the gods. The thing that makes waking up every day worth it. The bite-sized dew drops of heaven tumble down throats as hungry tongues eagerly taste the paradise that is their very purpose of life. One bite of the cheesy goodness and, immediately, all seven chakras of the body are unlocked and aligned, the sweet juices slicing through the salt. It is Magnificence. It is Perfection. It is an awe-inspiring bestowment of tangible, tasteable Sublimity. It is Pineapple Pizza.
And yet, despite its evident superiority to all other pizzas, pineapple pizza remains an item of controversy. With this in mind, we decided to take initiative.
On Wednesday, April 28th, Mr. Whitehead’s period five Journalism class met outside in the Eugenia Pfeiffer Courtyard of the school to address the outcomes of the long-awaited, heated debate: Is pineapple on pizza good? We ordered pizzas from Pizza Nova and Fort Lee Pizzeria and put them to the ultimate taste test to find our definitive answer.
By some sort of bizarre scheme or prearrangement, no doubt involving bribery or blackmail, the results were inconclusive. The class remained tied between pineapple-pizza-lovers and pineapple-pizza-haters, despite the fact that the outcome should have been glaringly obvious. We then took to The Echo polls, where the results were similarly closely cut (strange). With a total of 29 voters, the reign of pineapple-pizza-lovers (52%) overpowered the force of pineapple-pizza-haters (48%) with a definitive (and rightful) victory. However, the victors’ triumphed by only a hair of a single vote. The difference of one vote would have led to a very different outcome, leading to the absurd tie.
This result was absolutely soul-crushing and heart-wrenching. How could the results return so deadlocked? How could we continue onward knowing that 48% of students were living in destitution and tastebud-deprivation? And so, by our altruistic benevolence, we decided to create our pro-pineapple-pizza campaign, being this very article. Perhaps, by its conclusion, we will have returned a few souls from the dark side….
We first wholeheartedly acknowledge that there have been many recent controversies concerning pineapple pizza, and a fruit’s belongingness on a traditional pizza. Many may view pineapple as a foreign ingredient that has trespassed the ethic boundaries of fooding, but many are mistaken. Let’s first trace the pineapple pizza back to its origins. According to the Washington Post, in 1962, a chef in Canada tried adding pineapples to pizza and the revelation quickly caught on with his customers. So pineapple is simply a normal topping, just like pepperoni or olives, with a history of supporters since its creation. And yet many question its existence as some sort of recent strange experimentation that’s gained widespread popularity among those with interesting (superior) tastes, when in reality, it’s just another common topping that’s deserving of the same chance as any other. Just as we don’t question the worthiness of pepperoni on pizza, pineapple shouldn’t be a controversy either. Pineapple on pizza should be as unquestioned as any other pizza, and be received with an open mind. Especially as it is (obviously) god-sent.
While we would like to suggest that all pizzas should be received with this unprejudiced, open-mindedness, we simply cannot. Despite how hypocritical this may seem, it would be equally horrendous for us to equate pineapple pizza with just any pizza. Because we would simply be downgrading the experience to that of any other pizza experience. So no, we will not be demeaning any other pizzas, but, it is our duty as humanitarians of the food world to present pineapple pizza in all of its magnificence.
Even without all the facts that point towards the undeniable conclusion of the supremacy of pineapple pizza, there is the simple fact of its utter deliciousness. If we haven’t convinced you yet, simply listen to the praises of our own beloved celebrities across the world. Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada, helped People magazine break down the components of pineapple pizza in an easy-to-understand, necessary manner. Trudeau tweeted, “I have a pineapple. I have a pizza. And I stand behind this delicious Southwestern Ontario creation. #TeamPineapple.”
The addition of the pineapple brings a whole new experience to pizza-eating that is both unforgettable and unreplicable.“It’s sweetness on pizza,” T. J. Miller, Silicon Valley co-star, told People, an accurate assessment of the simplicity of the divine pineapple pizza. “As an adult I don’t get it but I still eat it.” Not too dry but not overbearing. Not too salty but never bland. Truly the best of both worlds.
The overall taste-factor makes the holy ingestion of this unique blend of sweet and salty so worth it. “Pineapple on pizza is good,” People reports Justin Bieber decided whilst a guest on The Jay Leno Show in 2011. With that steadfast confirmation of the angelic nature of pineapple pizza, who could be left undecided?
And beyond this, not only does pineapple add a pop of flavor, but it’s a tremendous source of vitamin C, fiber, and potassium. Let’s face it—we’ve all probably felt guilty about consuming junk food. But with pineapple pizza, there are no such regrets. “These vitamins and minerals help with blood pressure, digestion, and overall health,” Spoon University wrote. “You can’t hate on topping pizza with something that actually is good for your health.” Not only do we love pineapple pizza, but pineapple pizza loves us. Pineapple pizza is a gift that we will forever be undeserving of.
To conclude, pineapple pizza simply makes sense. The perfect balance between sweet and savory, it’s the yin and yang of the pizza world.
Loading ...
