The Different Types of Moviegoers


Sivan Yoskowitz, Guest Writer

Everyone loves going to the movies! The supernatural plot points, the devotion of lovers, the reveals of a quiet girl with a secret. It’s the same for everyone: constant enjoyment and entertainment. But how people display this affection… well, that’s a different story.

The Commentator
You’re immersed in the movie when the plot twist comes to light, a shocking revelation that makes you gasp and murmur your gleeful surprise to yourself. Ignoring the angry looks around you, you put your hand to your mouth: “Oh my gosh, I cannot believe that just happened. I mean, I suppose all the warning signs were there, I just didn’t want to see it.” Turning to the woman sitting next to you, you ask her if she saw the twist coming. When she yells at you to shut up, you cross your arms and harrumph in your seat, sliding down until your head is against the back. It’s not your fault you’re such an avid movie-watcher. Some people just don’t get your devotion to the fine arts.

The Shusher
As the intimate scene plays, you strain your ears to hear over the constant chatter of the teenagers sitting behind you, squeaking in their chairs and emitting completely unrestrained laughs: “I know, right? I saw her yesterday.” The hooligans are unaware anyone else in the theater exists, no doubt, just like your grandson, who can never bring himself to spend three minutes on the phone. Finally fed up with the buffoonery of this failed generation, you swivel in your seat to give the kids your death glare, one that makes them freeze mid-speech, staring at you with wide eyes. Putting a finger to your lips—and you make sure the kids see just the finger you’ve chosen—you purse your lips and shush those little—
You’ve gotten really depressed since your kids stopped visiting.

The Early-Snacker and the Waiting-Snacker
When you’re someone like my little sister, you can’t help reaching out for a few pieces of popcorn during the previews. It’s not your fault, you’re just naturally snacky. But this sweet habit can quickly turn sour when you don’t stop and you run out of snacks by the time the title screen is playing. You’re left with no choice but to grasp your hands together and force your eyes to stay on the movie, not on the delicious, very-full-looking bag of popcorn your older sister is holding. When the insatiable hunger consuming you becomes too much to handle, you are left with no choice but to give in. Then, it’s simply a matter of reaching over and stealing a few while her eyes are on the movie. By the time she notices, her fingers scraping the bottom of the bag, the popcorn is gone and she just assumes she ate it all. You’re home-free as you lick your salty fingers, inconspicuously wiping the crumbs from your face. He-he.

The Worker
You’ve finally gotten away from work and the kids to take some “you time.” Leaning back in your seat, settling in for the action movie you’ve been dying to see, you realize too late that you forgot to silence your phone. Aware of the glares people are tossing your way, you hastily slide the phone out of your pocket, ready to silence it, only to see the name of a very important client flashing across your screen. Glancing back and forth in hesitation, you finally hit accept, a frantic split-second decision based solely on the need to quiet the wailing phone. In hushed tones, you unwillingly go over the details of the sale, eager to finish and end this nightmare. As others yell at you to put the phone away, you talk numbers in the one place you hoped to actually relax. You should’ve known there was no escape.

The Girl On The Phone with Her Girlfriend
The movie starts, though you barely notice, the story you’re telling occupying all of your minimal headspace. Completely unaware of the distraction you’re causing, you go on a rant about the guy at the bank who was, like, literally so rude to you. When the collective shush finally reaches your ears, you tell your friend to hold on a sec, put your hand over the phone, and shush the room: “I’m on the phone!” Going back to your conversation, you finish the life-or-death call and hang up in the now-empty theater.

The Clapper
A powerful line hits home and your hands move of their own accord, generating applause you can’t hold back. The star-crossed lovers find each other and you cheer for their happiness, cupping your hands around your mouth to further amplify your joy. The credits roll and the amazingness of the movie you just witnessed can be expressed in nothing less than rapturous applause. Although you know the characters on the screen can’t hear you, you’re sure that it’s only right to show that screen some appreciation. Who says you can’t applaud an inanimate object?

The Bathroom-Breaker
Okay, it’s not your fault. It’s not like you’re chugging water every chance you get. You’re not “healthy.” You just have an especially small bladder, which you can, in no way, be blamed for. Okay, maybe you drank a few bottles of Pepsi earlier today. And maybe you haven’t gone to the bathroom in 5 hours. And maybe you’re still drinking more Pepsi. So, poor you, you’re left with no choice but to get up to go to the bathroom every fifteen minutes, squeezing past people’s legs and stumbling out of the aisle like the victim that you are. You’re in the right, here!

The Credits-Enthusiast
Is that…? No. It couldn’t be. Their voice is a deadlock. But that hair! Oh well, better wait for the credits to roll. As the music fades out and the last shot of the movie darkens to black, you hear the creaks and footsteps of everyone leaving the theater, 50% of them heading right for the bathroom. Ignoring their mutterings about the movie, you sit back in your chair and wait for the white text to show, anxious to discover if your favorite actor is the heavily made-up villain you haven’t been able to identify all this time. A normal person would have enjoyed the movie. But you’re not normal.

The One with No Background Info
It’s the 22nd sequel in the series and the first one you’re actually watching. You only came because your friends, who are obsessed with the franchise, convinced you, but you have absolutely no clue who any of the characters are, what is going on, or what this “blip” everyone keeps referring to was. Your friends seem so invested in it that you’re almost afraid to ask, but you can’t help giving them a nudge and asking them to explain what is going on. It’s embarrassing to admit your confusion, but you can’t watch another second of Tom Holland mooning over Robert Downey Jr. without some background info.

The Ranter
As the movie comes to a close, you’re bursting with the unspoken thoughts you’ve kept locked up throughout the movie, anxious to criticize the characters’ actions and unleash every frustration you’ve felt in the last two hours. You’re practically jumping up and down in your seat as the lights come back on in the theater and your BFF stands up to stretch her sleeping limbs. She finally takes a deep breath and turns to you, aware of what’s coming from experience. With a grin, you open your mouth as wide as you can and begin: “First of all…”

Captain Obvious
Oh, my gosh, of course! Didn’t the character see how obvious that reveal was? If it’d been you, you would’ve caught the signs. Sure, you’ve never been chased by a serial killer, hunted for something beyond your control, or had to save the world on two weeks’ notice. And sure, you’ve never left your home state or done anything more dangerous than go on a scary roller coaster. But you do know that you would make a way better protagonist than this wimpy guy. I mean, who falls down when they’re about to die? Loser. You only fall down going up the stairs or while playing baseball.

The Hottie-Meter
A new character is introduced, and, after a careful appraisal of the guy’s… physical features, you turn to your friend: “I’ll say eight out of ten.” She shakes her head, her brow furrowing. “Not even,” she tells you, giving an incredulous look. “His brother’s way hotter.” It’s not until the one naked scene of the movie occurs that she turns back to you, an apology written across her face.

The Snoozer
The explosion shocks you, making you gasp and jump in your seat. Turning to the man sitting next to you, you grab his arm. “Dad,” you say, trembling with adrenaline. “Dad, did you say that—” You cut yourself off as his snores finally reach your ears, rumbling with a deep tone only a father could generate. Surprised you didn’t hear the roaring of the monster truck before, you finally realize that your father has fallen asleep in the middle of the most action-packed scene of the most action-packed movie you’ve ever seen. Shaking his arm with the angry fervor you now feel burning inside you, you finally wake the beast. He groans and rubs his eyes, earning several glances from those near you. “W-what happened?” he asks, sitting up and smacking his lips. Wincing with disgust, you give a sheepish smile to the angry onlookers. “You fell asleep,” you hiss back at him, glaring. He takes one look at the screen, sits back, and tells you to wake him up when it’s over.

The Spoiler
You walk out of the theater doors, your mind still on the events of the movie. Wow. What a show. Your mind is practically bursting with all that has transpired in that dark room, begging to be let free. Unable to restrain yourself any longer. You whip out your phone and type a quick message to everyone you know consisting of all the big reveals of the movie. With a satisfied smirk, you hit send. Anticipating the shock of your unsuspecting victims who will soon be disillusioned, you take a moment to appreciate how you’ve shared the joy of the theater with friends and family. You’re welcome.

The Ones That Won’t Stop Making Out
It’s time for your date with your hot boyfriend and you can’t wait to get to the theater. Not to see a movie, no. Movies are so dull. They always have been to you. No, you set the venue of this date as the movie theater so you can fully enjoy everything He has to offer. Making sure to apply the lip gloss you know He loves, you strut out the door and into his waiting car, showing just the right amount of leg when you get in. You two can barely keep your hands off each other in the car and at the theater, wanting to feel His skin on yours. Finally walking through the theater doors, you find yourselves a dark corner where no one’s around and fold yourselves around each other. Doesn’t matter what the movie is or what it’s about. It could be about genocide or romance. It could be a cartoon for all you care. All you need is your lips on His, His skin on yours. Ignoring the cries of a daughter without a mother, you two kiss and kiss until you’re as breathless as the corpse on the screen.

The Bookworm
You’ve waited your whole life for this: the film adaptation of your favorite book ever written: Percy Jackson. You literally cannot wait, barely holding yourself back from a full sprint to the theater. At last, the movie is playing in front of you. Only, no. Something’s not right. They’re not supposed to know whose son he is, yet. The quest isn’t right, either. The plot of the movie is more drastically different from that of the book than you thought possible. What is happening? Holding your head, you scream, running out of the theater and away from people’s puzzled faces. The book has been ruined for you forever. Those in the theater, the uncultured swine, watch on, oblivious.