The People You’ll Meet at Tenafly High School

The Breakfast Club 1985

You will meet so many different people at Tenafly High School. So many people, so many students, so little time. All of these intricate parts of Tenafly are what makes Tenafly, well, Tenafly! But who are they REALLY? Let’s talk about the ones that stick out the most. 

First, the overachiever. They are the best in the class, and they want you to know. “Ugh, I did so bad on my test!” What did they get? A 98. The class average was a 60. They tell you they didn’t understand the assignment, but they did. And, not only did they understand the assignment, they did extra credit. How can this person possibly understand what is going on in math class? They want you to know that they are applying to all Ivies (Brown as safety, of course). 

Then you have your classic material girl. Lululemon is their religion. They have the iPhone 15 even though it hasn’t come out yet. And, they always seem to get the best spot in the lot. When it’s cold, they wear their Canada Gooses, and when it gets warm, they wear their Lululemon aligned tops. They have bought the new trends before the trends come out. They always have their nails painted, acrylics of course. They carry their La Promenade coffee back to class as their Swell bottle sits in their backpack. How is it possible that they have Lululemon lunch bags every day? Do they have 14 different lunch bags? Imagine how much Lululemon gear they have. I’m getting tired just saying lemon.

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Yo fanta pants, kidmudgeon you a big bird in town bro dog. Arm barn, it’s an OC! Don’t be pullin that spooky dookie this year you baby bat.

— The boys who only know slang

 

Next, a common high school theme: The boy who only knows slang. We don’t ever REALLY know what they’re saying, but we can sort of make it out. “Yo fanta pants, kidmdgeon you a big bird in town, bro dog. Arm barn, it’s an OC! Don’t be pullin’ that spooky dookie this year, you baby bat.” They wear Bathing Ape to school, and always have a weird obsession with Michael Jordan. Why do they like Michael Jordan so much? They preach Kanye West and Lil Uzi Vert with their entire being, and if you are lucky, they might even cut you off in the senior lot. 

Then, a personal favorite, we call the Bathroomers. They are always in the bathroom. Do they even have class? If you open the bathroom door and hear a TikTok audio playing, you know they have taken over those stalls. They are in the bathrooms so much I’m starting to think they sleep there. While you are doing your business, you hear Olivia Rodrigo’s “Traitor” echoing in the bathroom. You feel so guilty interrupting their TikTok, but you have to wash your hands and get to class. So you wait until they are done throwing it back, only to get intimidated and flee the bathroom. 

Next, we have our wannabe stock bros: “High Risk, High Reward” is their mantra. Say one wrong thing about stocks and they start mansplaining (bordering on plain insults) about the stock market. These Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan wannabe investment bankers usually end up as failed business majors. Robinhood app on their phone and a bloated ego in their minds, they strut around the school with zero dollars to their name. Ask them about the crash of ‘29? They’re silent. 

Next up, the schools favorite: the 14 absences students. You never see them in class but always see them in the hallways. Mysteriously, they are always camped out in the cafeteria, random offices, and stairwell corners. Have any of you had them in your classes? No. Do they even go here? Maybe. They are there, but, like, not there, you know? 

Last but not least: the speeder. Where are they trying to go? What do they have that’s so important they have to do 70 out of the lot? Their car needs a muffler. Like, REALLY needs a muffler. Why is it so loud? Why do they speed everywhere? What is the reason that they have to go faster than the speed of light at 3:11 in the parking lot? And…oh….did you hear that? GET. A. MUFFLER.