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The Ten Types of Relatives You See Over the Holidays

Hailey Ryan, Editor-in-Chief

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Your Grandma with NO Filter: You try to avoid her as much as possible because you know she’ll embarrass you/make you feel like crap. When she finds you, she asks if you gained weight (you did), why your parents didn’t send her your report card (because your grades suck), and if you have a boyfriend (you don’t). Thanks, grandma—thanks for reminding me that my life is in shambles.

Your Hot Third Cousin: You try to rationalize your attraction by telling yourself that you’re basically not related (like who knows their third cousin anyway?). This works until your mom talks about how you were basically siblings growing up. Great, you think your basically-sibling is hot. Wonderful. Not incesty at all.  

Your Racist Great Uncle: You blocked him on Facebook because you couldn’t bear to see his reposts of the Daily Stormer and rants “proving” that Barack Obama wasn’t born in the U.S. He bought you a Make America Great Again hat which has become your family’s designated puking bin. You hate the fact that you’re related to someone like that.      

Your Little Cousins Who Are Always on Their iPad: You hate your little cousins because when you were their age, all you had to distract you from the madness that is your family was your imagination. You didn’t get an iPad shoved in your face every time you whined…a hand, maybe, but never an iPad. Whatever, at least it gets them to shut up.

Your Grandpa that Gives Disgusting Kisses: We all have one. You dread the moment he approaches you because you know it’s about to be the Amazon Rainforest all up on your cheek. And great, he hasn’t shaved, which means his prickly beard is about to poke a million little holes in your face. You savor the moment he walks away and you can rub the saliva off your face.

Your Aunt and Uncle That Met in AA:  You can’t tell if it’s really cute or really sad. Either way, they keep each other sober and bring really good non-alcoholic drinks, so you’re not complaining!     

Your Grandpa Who Loves to Tell Stories from Nam: The stories were really interesting until your mom told you that Grandpa was never in Vietnam. Now, you’re just concerned.   

Your Cool Older Cousin: You love him, your parents hate him. He has a motorcycle, tattoos, backpacked across Europe, and has been on a gap year for the last five years. He brings a new, hipster girl with weird-colored hair to every family event. Your mom can’t tell her sister-in-law that her son’s a trainwreck/bad influence/lowkey druggie because that’ll start World War III.

Your Super Old Relative on the Verge of Death: Like, you know that it’s not Great Aunt Thelma’s fault that she’s mad old and dying, but she’s such a Debbie-downer and makes every family event super depressing. You can’t help but tear up when she talks about her live-in nurse, fibralater, and malignant tumor. You try to change the subject to something not death-related, but she keeps telling you to savor your young years and to stay in good health so you don’t have a long, painful death. This is the first time in your life you’ve prayed someone would talk about the weather.  

The One Who Avoids Social Contact as much as Possible, Hides Upstairs, Is Always on Their Phone, and Is Only There for the Food: Oh, wait. That’s you.  

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The Ten Types of Relatives You See Over the Holidays