You feel yourself panting as you run from aisle to aisle, desperate to find that pair of Steve Maddens in your size. Feel the stuffing from dinner coming up your throat? That’s okay—just wash it down with your third Venti Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks. Discount shopping can be difficult, especially after you’ve eaten more in the past day than you would have in a month. Here are some tips on how to get through this year’s Black Friday apocalypse.

Preparation

• Go scavenging in your rich cousin’s couch for coins. If you can’t find any, go to the fountain in the mall and dive in to look for some quarters. A Macbook isn’t cheap, you know, even if it is 3% off.
• Bring your entire coupon book so you can annoy everyone in line while you spend 20 minutes trying to use all the coupons you can.
• Wear your highest heels so you can step on the toes of people in your way while looking good at the same time. Not only will your feet get blisters, but you’ll also be hated by everyone around you! Killing two birds with one stone!

In the Store

• Pick the rare and good deals only. Best Buy will probably have another “Spend $600 and get $10 in store credit. Offer valid starting 2020!” deal this year. Hopefully, that $10 will deflate by then.
• Travel everywhere in a small group of 20. You don’t want to bring too many people; it can be hard to keep track of everyone. Bring as many kids as you can, though. Keep your fingers crossed that they’ll make a fuss and the other customers will let you cut in front of them in line. If they don’t, tell your kids to pee on the floor or something and that should do the trick.

Final Thoughts

• Just stay home and wait for Cyber Monday.