Taurus: You know, Taurus, I would tell you your horoscope for the week, but you probably already have a set idea of how it’s going to go. And, needless to say, you’re so bullheaded that my input will probably make no difference at all! Sweet, one horoscope done already!

Libra: This week, you’ll find the love of your life and run into unexpected wealth! You also might suffer a severe depressive episode after coming to the realization that your biggest accomplishments have little to no effect on this world. It all depends on the way the scales tilt!

Gemini: This week, take some time to focus on your selves–that is, the two faces you’ve been presenting to the world. Maybe these two faces can get to know one another. Don’t believe that you’re a stereotypical Gemini? Just ask any one of your close friends if you have two sides, and they’ll surely go on a tangent about how your moods and attitudes change all the freaking time. But hey, one man’s “two-faced” is another man’s “versatile”, right Gemini?

Cancer: Since Mercury is in retrograde, you may be feeling a little crab-by this week. Ha-ha! Not so funny, Cancer? Figures. This week, try to lighten up and not let your crabby negative energy drag down those around you.

Capricorn: This week is all about improving your social connections. Focus on strengthening relationships with people who you actually like and who actually like you. Contrary to popular Capricorn belief, stepping down a few rungs on that social ladder you’ve been climbing ruthlessly your whole life won’t kill you. Everyone already knows you’re the goat (literally), so there’s no need to fake happiness.

Leo: Whoa there, Leo! Haven’t seen you in a while! I see you finally gazed out of that mirror for once. How does it feel to read words that didn’t manifest from your superior brain? Weird, huh? Anyways, this week you should spend some time with the people you love–no, not yourself again. Have a coffee with a friend, and who knows, maybe they’ll be able to get a word into the conversation this time!

Virgo: This week, some things may happen to you that you have no control over. Plans might be cancelled, your nail might break… just remember not to freak out. Not having control over absolutely everything at all times may feel unfamiliar and scary, but it’s just part of this crazy little thing called life, Virgo!

Sagittarius: Sag, are you out there? We know you have a curious spirit and a yearning to travel the world, but we haven’t heard from you in weeks. There’s a missing person’s report filed for you and search parties are out all over the world. You’re probably just in Spain running with the bulls or in Shanghai on a shopping spree, but if you’re reading this, let us know you’re okay!

Aries: Aries, you’re going to have such a great week! First, you’ll rekindle a friendship with an old pal, and later, a lucrative opportunity will fall right into your lap. See you next week! No need to read further, just close this tab and enjoy your amazing luck this week!

Has Aries stopped reading yet? Thank goodness. The real horoscope is that they’re going to lose all their money and fail in their treasured relationships. But if I told them that, they’d probably unleash all that “aggressive-Aries-anger-issues” energy on me. Phew! Good thing they’re not around!

Scorpio: Okay Scorpio, just because Drake dropped an album with your sign in it, doesn’t mean you have an excuse to be like that. You know, jealous, manipulative, and bossy. We all know your bark is worse than your bite—um, sting.

Pisces: Stay clam.