The Not-So-Secret Life of a VSCO Girl

Courtesy of

Courtesy of

Norhan Zouak, Staff Writer

SKSKSKSKSK! The VSCO girl’s iPhone alarm rings. She gets out of bed and puts her feet down on the soft, plush material. That’s not carpet she’s feeling, though. It’s scrunchies. Hundreds of colorful velvet scrunchies litter her room. She hasn’t seen the bottom of her floor in ages. Who knows what’s down there. Bugs? Mold? Or, God forbid, plastic straws? She grabs the Mario Badescu facial spray off her nightstand, spritzes it all over her face, sighs and utters, “Good Vibes®️.” Nothing beats those refreshing, relaxing nodes of rosewater in the early morning. I mean, who needs to wash their face when you could just bask in Badescu? 

Time to get ready for school! Hmmm, which XXL t-shirt should she wear today over her Brandy Melville short shorts? Crocs or Birkenstocks? Ugh, why does it take so much effort to look effortless? As for makeup, she already has that “dewy” look down from the facial spray. She applies Carmex, repeating “and I oop” in the mirror to spread it all over her lips. She resembles a zebra in that her skin is striped from her Sun Bum self-tanner. At least you can’t tell how purple her face is from her puka shell necklace cutting off her circulation. She grabs her Fjallraven backpack and shoves in only the essentials: a Hydro Flask completely covered with Michael Scott stickers, a friendship-bracelet-making kit, and a Polaroid camera. Who needs actual school supplies when climate change will destroy our future and kill all the turtles anyway? Her bag appears to be bursting at the seams, so she reopens it and takes out crystals of all colors. “And I oop,” she says. “Guess I won’t be having Good Vibes®️ today.”

As she aimlessly rides her bike to school—again, save the turtles—she swerves in-and-out of the bike lane. She pays more attention to her Good Vibes®️ playlist playing from her AirPods than to the actual road. She causes a five-car-pile-up, but she can’t be bothered to look back. Really, she can’t. She physically cannot turn her head back more than 20 degrees. Her puka shell necklace restricts her movement. She had originally bought it to give her Good Vibes®️, but it seems to act more like a Hawaiin curse. She gets to school after missing the first two periods. In each class, she sits in the back and doodles on her arms. Instead of handing in her homework, she gives her teachers friendship bracelets because she wants to spread the Good Vibes®️. Why should she care about her future if the turtles won’t even have a future?

When the bell rings, she hops back on her bike, pops her AirPods in, and “skrt skrts” out of school. On her way back home, she has to use another route because there was some sort of pile-up on her usual route. Wow, people should really be more careful when they’re driving. She gets home, eats three avocados—her only source of nutrition—and looks at her to-do list: make more friendship bracelets, watch the entire sixth season of The Office, tweet about saving the turtles. Ugh, now how is she going to get her 14 hours of Good Vibes®️ rest? She drinks an iced coffee with a metal straw—seriously, we need to save the turtles—and rubs her energy crystals. Three hours go by and she somehow finishes all of her tasks. She goes to bed and watches TikToks for an hour. She says a little prayer as she falls asleep, muttering, “Good Vibes®️, Good Vibes®️, Good Vibes®️.”