The Great Pineapple Pizza Debate: Anti
May 5, 2021
Have you ever bitten into a juicy and sweet pineapple? What about a warm slice of cheesy pizza? What about both? At the same time? No. You monster.
While fairly popular foods on their own, the combination of both is controversial at best, and heretical at worst. Even fans of salty with sweet will find themselves at odds with this pairing. To settle the great debate, we called for a little taste-testing. Tenafly High School’s period 5 Journalism class members took it upon themselves to order Hawaiian and plain pizza pies, courtesy of Fort Lee Pizzeria and Pizza Nova, to most objectively rate the abomination that is pineapple on pizza against a more contemporary foe.
The consensus? The Tenafly Echo poll reports a very close race between the opposing sides, with 52% reporting they do enjoy the (terrible) combination, and 48% making the (correct) decision to click NO to the combination. While we would love to give you a heap of reasons as to why pineapple on pizza is a disgrace to humanity, we would rather not keep you here all day… Here are only SOME reasons why we think pineapple should NOT be put on pizza.
Fruits Should Not Be on Pizza:
The first thing to consider in this debate is truly how unappetizing pineapples on pizzas really are. You have a hot slice of baked dough, laid with smooth tomato sauce and stretchy mozzarella cheese which is satisfactory enough by itself. When someone is thinking of pizza, they usually crave the hot cheese and tomato sauce combo. But when you add the yellow fruit to the pizza, everything is ruined. Your pizza slice falling apart is unavoidable with the chunky bits of pineapple, resulting in a rather difficult and unpleasant dining experience. Have you ever had warm fruit that wasn’t part of a baked or cooked dish? Fruit should be enjoyed cold for the most part, and not on hot food like pizza. Yuck. And yes, we know that tomatoes are a fruit, but this is an exception, as the tomato appears in paste form. In fact, it is known that tomatoes are an excellent source of umami, which is a flavor that lends itself nicely to either sweet or savory, and thus has a place in our pizza pie.
The Opposition to Pineapple As a Fruit:
And then of course, there’s the fact that pineapple by itself is out to get you! Ok, well maybe we’re exaggerating a LITTLE bit, but take a second to consider this: Do you get a tingly feeling when biting into a slice of pineapple? Does your tongue feel like sandpaper as the (disgusting) fruit slides down your throat? Contrary to prior belief, this is not an allergy; this is a common experience when eating pineapple for many people. According to The University of Melbourne, pineapple contains an enzyme known as Bromelain which digests proteins, so when you eat pineapple and feel your tongue burn… it’s basically the pineapple… eating you back! Now, this isn’t actually harmful to you in the long run, but the knowledge that your food is digesting you as you digest it is a teensy bit unsettling. Pizza is meant to be enjoyed by all, so why put monstrous food on it that destroys the very surface meant to enjoy it?
Pineapple on Pizza Fails to Meet the Definition of Pizza:
According to THE Oxford English Dictionary, pizza is defined as “a dish of Italian origin consisting of a flat, round base of dough baked with a topping of tomato sauce and cheese, typically with added meat or vegetables.” Let’s break this definition down real quick. We’re on good terms up until the definition touches upon the toppings. That’s when all goes downhill.
Meat. A solid food originating from an animal. Typical examples include, but are not limited to: pepperoni, sausage, bacon, and prosciutto. You wouldn’t classify pineapple as a meat, now would you? Great, glad we’re on the same page. Now, moving onto vegetables, which are plants or parts of a plant. Vegetables often seen on pizza include but are not limited to: artichoke, bell peppers, red onion, and olives. Well there you have it—pineapple does not make the list… once again. Now, you want to ask yourself… are you willing to argue against the geniuses who write the dictionary? That battle seems like one you’d want to avoid.
The Cost
And then, of course, we must consider the unruly cost of adding pineapple. Do you really want to pay an additional six dollars for 15 chunks of pineapple? We think that’s a bit ridiculous. Going off of the prices at Pizza Nova in Tenafly, in which a small, regular cheese pizza was $9.45 and a small Hawaiian pizza was $15.65, that means that the additional cost of the pineapple was almost ⅔ the cost of JUST the plain. I mean, c’mon, pizza is supposed to be a fun meal that one can cheaply grab on the go, not one that breaks your wallet!
Pineapple Pizza is… Offensive?
Let’s take a look at the origins of pineapple on pizza for a second, which is typically coined the term: Hawaiian Pizza. Sam Panopoulos, a Greek immigrant, moved to Canada in 1954. He then proceeded to create the first Hawaiian pizza restaurant. He named his restaurant, Satellite. At first, the main focus of the restaurant was traditional American cuisine like burgers and fries. He eventually started to experiment with foods, which then led to his Frankensteinian creation of Hawaiian pizza, which, now that you know, is not from Hawaii. This was an outrage to many people and it became serious when the Icelandic president Guðni Th. Jóhannesson stated that he wanted to ban it as a topping. But the people who took the most offense to this were the Italians. They thought that it was extremely disrespectful for them to add such a disgusting topping on their food. Even going so far to say that “putting pineapple on pizza under any circumstances is tantamount to an Act of War under International Law.” So there you have it, that’s the story of pineapple on pizza. Seems pretty dark, right? And not to mention, a destruction to the beauty that is Italian pizza.
And then, of course, if pineapple on pizza didn’t exist in the first place, our journalism class wouldn’t need to have this argument.
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