A lot of people say I have the typical Type A personality in academics and an unexpected Type B personality outside of school. When it comes to books, I’d say I’m Type C, the C standing for “chaotic-hole-of-nonsensical-ramblings.” Since it’s just a few weeks until finals hit and we’re all going to be panicking anyways, I thought slipping in a bit of dramatic flair wouldn’t hurt.

Question 1: What’s your ideal boyfriend type?

Well, he has to be cute enough that I’d pick him up. And smart, because there’s no way I’m talking to someone who doesn’t know the difference between a semicolon and a colon.

So like, who?

I don’t know… The Fault in Our Stars? His name is super cute, he actually has good grammar (I’ve seen some horrid Wattpad fanfics), and I have a tendency to be drawn to the more depressing ones.

What.

The Fault in Our Stars. I’d marry it.

Question 2: Did you ever have a pet?

Not enough; I always wanted a turtle (It’s really slow). Or a hamster (They’re basically furry balls of cuteness!). Or a cat (Yes, I am aware of the cat dissection happening in the science wing this week; the smell is tragic). I remember my fish, though. I took him out for a walk once.

You took your fish out for a walk???

Yeah. Fresh air is always good. He walked with my crab. But I also take care of my pets in Animal Farm really well—

You took your FISH. Out for a walk.

Duh. But he kept floating on its side when I put him back in the water.

Question 3: Anyways… I’ve heard you’re a bibliophile, so I was wondering if—

Okay, so basically, I would minimally accept it if someone told me I’m a bibliophile. But I’m not. I’m a lectiophile. There’s a difference between those two. Trust me. If you made me choose between a perfectly clean, signed, once-in-a-lifetime edition of Watership Down and a flimsy paperback of Twilight, I’m going Twilight all the way and tossing the former down the drain. I love the latter too much for that.

Uhm, I think tossing a book down the drain isn’t—

It is. I don’t care if it gets clogged.

I mean, I don’t think it’ll even—

What’s the next question. (and yes, that’s with the period).

Question 4: What’s the saddest thing that happened in your life?

When my poor baby broke his spine.

Your BABY broke his SPINE???

Yes, I don’t know why you’re so shocked. It was my copy of Wuthering Heights. I almost cried. Looking back at it, I should’ve sued the girl I lent it to.

Question 5: Since you read so much, you must be the perfect child.

No.

No?

Can’t you hear me? No. My parents once found me reading They Both Die at the End under the covers with a flashlight instead of sleeping. I didn’t get my baby back for another two weeks. And how was I supposed to know if they both died at the end after that? Honestly, I could have gotten away with it if I didn’t scream at Rufus midway.

Question 6: Is there a book you haven’t read yet that you wish you could?

Of course! There’s so much. I can show you all of them if you’d like. Oooh, I can even give you a whole tour of my shopping cart on Amazon! I’m planning on buying all of them on the last day of school for the summer. Would you like to see?

Oh no, I’m afraid we have to cut the interview short. I have to… pick up my dog from my… farm.

What? You’re going already? But I have so many books to show you. Look at my list. Stay. Oh, have you read Angela’s Ashes yet? I got it last month for my birthday, but I only put that on the list because my friends called me uncultured. Urgh.

But my dog…. *aggressively rattles the door* Wait, where’s the key?

You mean the room key? Oh yeah. I locked the door and put the key in the metal box thingy on that wall over there.

You mean you threw the key down the incinerator chute???

Ohhh, is that what it’s called? My bad. Who even has an incinerator chute lying around these days? Don’t worry. If he’s truly your dog, he’ll wait for you. Like the one in The Odyssey. Well, he kinda died waiting for Odysseus to come back, but—

The END.