Have you ever wondered, “Am I using the girls’ bathroom correctly?” Just refer to this handy guide and you’ll be the most prim and proper bathroom user in all of Tenafly!

1. Don’t flush

That little metal handle on the side of the toilet? That’s just decoration for you! Flushing your own ~stuff~ is a surefire way to prove your uncoolness. Leave it for someone else and they’ll be like your personal assistant, and EVERY celebrity has one of those. You’re basically one step closer to becoming Kim Kardashian. 

2. Don’t wash your hands

I like to call this tip the “number one and run.” Washing your hands is such a tedious endeavor; the soap goes everywhere, the paper towels are thin, and you might even get your sleeve wet if you aren’t careful. There are just too many risks to washing your hands, so don’t even try, just leave the stall with your precious bacteria.

3. Sinks are for sitting

Okay, if you don’t wash your hands (re: my previous tip), you don’t even need to use the sink.

This clears up the sinks for more important things, like sitting and talking to your friends for 20 minutes while there’s a sub in that elective that you don’t really need credit for. And hey, you know what goes great with a sink session?

4. A Juul session!

Juuling in others’ faces is a great way to assert your dominance over the underclassmen. What could scream “I’m a rebel!” more than blowing a mint-flavored nicotine cocktail of smoke into someone’s personal bubble? Now, while you’re conducting your Juul session, it’s important to take up as much space as possible in the mirror to prevent anyone else from being able to use it.

5. Utilize the handicapped stall

If you’re not busy occupying the entire floor of the bathroom, the handicapped stall can be the perfect place to crowd in with your friends for a midday Juul sesh. Who cares if someone actually needs to use the bathroom? Hiding your nicotine addiction from Ms. Lewis is much more important!

In conclusion, the real way to use the bathroom is to ignore all the basic, rudimentary rules of sanitation and courtesy. You know, the rules we all learned way back in elementary school.