For all the girlies out there who resort to saying, “I’m just a girl” after almost every problem, deadly car accident, or any heinous act of anger, you are not alone. No, we aren’t talking about the Gwen Stefani song; for you millennials reading this, we are talking about the viral conclusion to every girl’s problems.
Have you ever been driving and blasting Lana Del Rey, and suddenly, a curb pops out of nowhere? Yeah, we know, that curb shouldn’t have been there. You awkwardly turn down the music, hoping no one sees, and then you must resume your drive in silence. This universal experience has resulted in many rim scratches and angry dads, but what do they know? You’re just a girl!
Did you watch the movie Saltburn? If you did, we know what your “for you page” looks like. We see those Jacob Elordi edits, too, and we also suffer from G.B.I.C.P.J.E (Genuinely believing I could pull Jacob Elordi), and to prove it, you can scroll through our reposts. Do we care if anyone knows about our universal crush? Absolutely not—we’re just girls.
We all want that perfect fall aesthetic. So, why not change your whole life to match Gilmore Girls for a month? Don’t you love when the leaves start to change colors? And the air gets a little crispier? Yeah, we do, too, and you know what time it is when fall starts? It’s time to get our nails painted red, rewatch every season of Gossip Girl, wait for the new fall Starbucks menu, and buy a whole new wardrobe just for those fall Instagram pictures. These common rituals rebuild Every. Single. Year. And you know what? We absolutely love it, because we’re just girls.
We know it’s college decision season, but we know that’s not the announcement you’re waiting for. You’re just a girl. Obviously, you only care about the Pink Sugar Summer Friday’s restocking at Sephora. Yeah, you might only make $15 at your minimum-wage job, so it makes perfect sense that you can spend $24 on your lip products. The math sounds like it’s mathing to me. Oh, and how could I forget, also spending all your money on Sonny Angels because what other 17-year-old doesn’t want a plastic nude baby sitting on the Apple CarPlay?
What are you eating for dinner tonight? Something good, or something like girl dinner? If you’re not going to a restaurant suggested by the VIP list, then we can already guess your girl dinner meal. The meal gets its name for a reason: Girls can make almost anything for their dinner and find it just as satisfying as any Michelin-starred restaurant. Even though your parents might look at your box of mac and cheese with disgust, you literally are just a girl; what more do they want from you?
What’s your ideal city day? Are you going to Brandy Melville, getting a $10 vanilla latte with oat milk at the newest spot in the East Village, and of course, hitting up the overpriced thrift store? The good news is that all of this is free because, duh, you’re paying with Apple Pay and cash, and you can never miss a sale because that would mean you are losing money, of course. This is the definition of girl math, as proved by scientist Alix Earle.
Sorry for all the girlies we exposed and the parents who now know what their daughters really do in their spare time, but at least we own up to our issues; we are self-aware queens and we stand by that. PERIODTTTTT.
